The Push and The Pull of Raising Kids

One Saturday morning instead of running into your arms, your young daughter runs onto the couch to watch her morning cartoon. You shrug your shoulders and get her breakfast. The next week the same thing happens. You begin to notice a decrease in the amount of times that she crawls onto your lap, or nestles her head in your neck or turns to wave before heading into the school building.

At first you are caught off guard. Then you wonder and slowly begin to mourn the inevitable ending of a stage. Finally you get used to the new norm and hope that the security you instilled in your young daughter through physical affection and verbal affirmation was consistent enough to stay in her memory banks as she journeys on the road into adolescence.

As parents, it’s instinctual to begin to push our young ones away incrementally. At first it may be mom weaning baby from the breast. Next it may teaching kids how to put on their clothes by themselves. For some dads it may be when your kids want to hang out with friends instead of go fishing or watch sports with you. Their total dependence on us must end at some point. At the same time, we don’t want to short circuit their natural need for parental covering. Sense of identity and security begins at home in the formative years. Some people believe that quality time is more sufficient than quantity time for young children. I don’t believe this. I’ve surprisingly found that even my teens actual enjoyed quantity time at least as much as quality time. The push into autonomy must occur at various points based on an individual child’s God-given developmental timetable. The push is necessary.

But then we see them adapting. And we realize that we miss the morning snuggle. Our maternal bosom or our paternal arms looked forward to “the embrace” before heading out the door to work. And we are tempted to pull these precious God-breathed souls back into us…to smell their hair, to be comforted that they are also comforted by our presence. The pull is normal.

Isn’t this similar to our Heavenly Father? He keeps his arms wide open and draws us into his sheltering presence. (Psalm 91) He delights when we come to him. He delights when we want to know more about him. (James 2:23) Relationship is powerfully precious. At the same time, our Heavenly Father tells us to go—go out and represent him in all that we do and say, especially to those people that have not yet recognized His reality. (Mark 16:15) At some point He wants us to let go of the childish stage of our faith journey and step into mature partnership with him. (1 Cor. 13:11)

A godly parent will reflect our Heavenly Father. We’ll push when it’s time for them to grow into another stage, yet desire to constantly remind our children that we adore them, that we will be safe for them, that we will always have open arms for them. The push is not to their detriment. It’s not based on our convenience. The pull should neither serve our own needs nor stifle their individuality. Rather both the push and the pull maintain the security of relationship and the value of growing up. 

Do Our Kids See our Past or our Present?

         An excerpt from my work in progress: Ages and Stages: The Book

I learned that we always need healing from something. Whether it’s the dog that chased me down the street when I was five or whether I perceived that I was being rejected by a loved one, I need to regularly do an inventory of my heart. If I don’t, my family is bound to be affected by my wounded soul.

All of us reflect the environments and cultures in which we grew up and the relationships that made impressions on us. As children, we are blank mounds of clay shaped by other people. Every human being is like a chisel, intentionally or unintentionally making impressions into the souls of those around us. The Bible calls God the Potter, and as a Father, His desire is for all of us to be initially shaped by parents who reflect His character. But there is no person on earth that perfectly reflects God’s character. Even adults who had great childhoods are indented with impressions left by people or situations from their past.

We inherit talents as well as predispositions to specific thought patterns and behaviors. I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely home and I always admired families that I saw that were affectionate. As a result, I made a conscious decision to be affectionate with my children as long as they would let me, which usually ended up being until the age of seven. The downside of this was that because affection wasn’t my natural inclination, except for the nightly kiss goodnight, my kids went without much human touch from age seven until eighteen or older. I found out later that as teenagers, they wondered why we weren’t an affectionate family. They missed it but were unable to ask for it!

This is where I’ve realized that as a parent I needed to learn more about how human beings are made by God to function. I needed to read books about child development as well as adolescence. I needed to remember the yearnings that I had as a teenager and realize that those yearnings were not individual to me, but normal for all people. Everybody wants a hug at some point, even the teenage male who thinks he has it all together.

One way that we can grow in our aptitude to give and receive love is by tackling the issues that put a stopper in our love wells. It takes courage, patience and trust in God to deal with the soul wounds of our past. In 1996 our marriage hit rough waters. Doug aptly described this time as "individual hurricanes colliding to form one massive storm". It wasn’t fun.

But it was a needed season of learning. Although as young Christians we read a lot of Christian books and recognized a few areas in our personal lives that needed healing, we had no idea that our souls were icebergs. All of us can be blind to the deep issues within.

In order to work on our marriage, we needed to address many of the unseen areas of our lives. This meant doing inventories of the rooms in our soul. Consider the soul the realm of the emotions, the mind: memories and thought processes, and the will. Faithful ministers in our local church and a wonderful ministry called Freedom in Christ, founded by Neil Anderson helped us through this stage of our marriage.

That same year we also had our third child. If we hadn't seized the courage to "go deep" within ourselves, be humble, receive counsel, and change by God's transforming power, we would have lived a miserable life together and our children would have suffered greatly. 

I write this twenty years later and every now and then I ask myself, "Do my kids see my past or my present?"  While too much introspection can be harmful, this question causes me to keep my ears open to the whispers of my heavenly Father who knows me unashamedly, sees me completely and loves me unconditionally.  Philippians 1:6b says: He who begun a good work in you will complete it...Yay! 

Oh, what would we do without our faithful God! He is our loving Potter! His hands are gentle and his ways are gracious. We do not have to ever fear going to him with our issues. Because of His cleansing blood, we can carry no shame, no weight, and no condemnation. What we don't see, he shows us when we ask. He'll carry us through the pain of bad memories and difficult seasons. He'll set us down at his throne of healing and restoration. He is a faithful parent who loves his kids!

A few books that were instrumental in not only helping me model our heavenly Father's parenting but also helped me overcome my own obstacles that were robbing my children of a emotionally healed mother were: Seven Longings of the Human Heart by Mike Bickle, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Victory Over the Darkness by Neil Anderson, The Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer. A wonderful book I've recently discovered about the power of memories and thoughts is Switch On Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf

Thank you for taking the time to read. 

Lord Jesus, help us to be convinced of your love for us. We love you because 
you first loved us. You extend love to us even when we sin. Your love covers our sins. Your faithful love reaches down and helps us when we don't know how to help ourselves. Give us courage to see and remove the stoppers in our love wells. Our desire as parents and caregivers is to love well. Thank you God.

I love my Dad! by Doug Webb

My dad, Joseph Webb

The other day my cousin posted a picture of my dad.  It made me miss him so much.  He was such a great dad.  I tell people that my dad was like Bill Cosby.  My dad was also the assistant principal of a Junior High School and I learned he had another side to his personality.  When we would go out into public we would sometimes run into his former students.  They would all say the same thing. “Your dad was mean!”.   It would always shock me.  For one thing my dad would laugh and then the former student would laugh.  I wanted to punch them in the nose for calling my daddy “mean”!  They would later explain that my dad would “make” them go to class, do their homework, stop fighting, be respectful to the teachers, and have their parents be involved in their lives.  I thought to myself, that’s not “mean”.  My dad was trying to help you out. 

 

My other Dad is Jesus’ Dad!   To be honest I was afraid of Jesus’ Dad. You read the Old Testament and God is “mean” or so I thought.  Then I ran into this scripture.

 

John 14:7-10  (NKJV)  ⁷ “If you had known Me, you would have known My Father also; and from now on you know Him and have seen Him.”   ⁸ Philip said to Him, “Lord, show us the Father, and it is sufficient for us.”  ⁹ Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father; so how can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? ¹⁰ Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the Father in Me?The words that I speak to you I do not speak on My own authority; but the Father who dwells in Me does the works.

Jesus was saying He is just like His Father.  My first thought was “NO WAY!”.  I pictured getting to heaven, and hiding behind Jesus as I talk to the Father.  I know it sounds terrible but when I think of the God of the Old Testament, He appears pretty ruthless, stoic, and mean.

So now I was challenged to believe Jesus’ words and change my view of the Father.  I pondered this.  The Father is just like Jesus.  Then I thought some more.  Jesus is actually saying He is like His FATHER!! Whoa!!??   How could that be possible?  Jesus is the good guy.  The Father has all this wrath and anger and you expect me to believe He’s the good guy too?!  

This is why I wrote my book.  I went in search of the Father’s heart and I have been on a mission to reconcile the Old Testament Father versus the Father we see in Jesus.  So I prayed.  “Lord, help me to see You the way Jesus sees You. I want the truth.”  

The depth of our entire relationship with God hinges on how you view His heart.  It will make or break you.  Now I was in the position of my dad’s former student’s and Jesus was in my position.  My new mission was to see the Father through Jesus' eyes, not mine.   

Me and my two oldest Chris and Christina

Never Alone

I am compelled, out of gratitude, to write a brief blog about the subject of community. Have you ever felt like you were thrown into an abyss of the "unknown" all by your lonesome?  I can relate. I'm thankful for the people God has put in my path to help me navigate through.

In my Christian circles, community has become a "coin" word as of late. The question that dictates that discussion is what does community in God's Kingdom on earth look like?

I'm learning the answer every day. As a new author, my answer is different than it used to be when I was caught up in my small home schooling and local church worlds. Now I'm navigating this previously unknown world of professional writing. I've watched it from afar for awhile. Author Lauralee Bliss and I have attended church together for decades. As I watched her write book after book, my own dream became more achievable for that "one day" when the time was right. New graphic novelist Matt McDowell who released Nephilites, is a few steps ahead of me in his exciting journey. We attended church together for awhile. Although he writes in a different genre, our plots both involve angels. Nope, I'm not alone. A local church is also where I met Author Precarious Yates, whom I knew as Sarah Rogers then Sarah Smith. At the time, I didn't realize how serious she was about writing! Our brief conversations were mostly about parenting, her past ministry work in Ireland and perhaps that Sunday's sermon. Years later, she's graciously begun to mentor me as a new author. I'm so grateful. My first introduction to the online community of Christian authors was through CrossReads, a site that connects readers and authors. Then social media opened the door to direct advice from fellow authors. This advice gave me my new marketing handbook, "Book Marketing For Beginners by Heather Hart. Hart encourages networking and forming relationships with other authors. I learned that seasoned authors regularly mentor new authors! Thank You God! I'm not in this alone. 

Although I'd never recommend forsaking the local for the virtual, both can provide encouragement, mentoring, accountability, and advice. Here's a shout-out to the helpful folks on CrossReads Authors FB page like Annie Douglass Lima, who pointed out that the all important comma needed to be inserted in the title of my husband's future non-fiction release! I also thank Kelly Hagin, who gave me the opportunity to do my first interview. When I was late in submitting interview information, due to my mommy duties, she quickly assured me that she too, was a mother, and understood. Nope, I'm not alone.

Despite my introverted personality, I'm learning that I can have a sense of community with people I'll likely never meet in person. This is a different type of community, but one just as God-given and necessary as my local community of friends. I guess it only makes sense with the new, but now normal, world of cyberspace.

I thought professional writing would be a dog-eat-dog world. But it's not. There are some good people out there. I thank God for them. 

Destiny

Most of us yearn to discover our destiny, the purpose of our existence, or how we are to leave our stamp on world history. Some go to college and find this in a career. Some discover this in ministry work. Yet countless others are shortchanged by circumstances and lack of vision, and end up incarcerated, controlled by life-destroying substances or simply a slave to economic systems.

For most of the world, destiny is defined by our deeds, culture or profession. This is okay to some degree. Our mindset is, as long as we believe that we have “realized” our earthly purpose, one day we can die in contentment. The sad part is that many die in discontentment. Their physical needs may have been met, their souls may have been satisfied, but their spirits yearned for more. These folks died without discovering their eternal purpose: to intimately know God, through Jesus Christ.

I find that our reaction to that last statement depends on our view of God. Some view God as distant, stoic, and mean. Spending eternity with this God would be hell in heaven! If you are like me and my husband Doug, whose family bible study inspired my book, Before the Beginning, you see God differently.

Chapter Three introduces the reader to the God I serve. On the Cross, Jesus called Him, Abba. Here is an excerpt:

The brilliant streak flashed before the Eyes. Reflected in the Eyes of God was every quark and atom in each galaxy. Like a giant microscope and faster than the speed of light, the Eyes fastened onto the streak and glistened with recognition. Widening with joy, the Eyes warmly welcome this son with glowing tenderness. “My son…”  The Voice of God vibrated with layers of emotion… Abba engulfed Daystar in His embrace. Daystar cherished the privilege of being His child, grasping his significance, acceptance and affirmation from the One who gave him life.

I became born again because of a fear of hell. I knew God loved me, but I believed that he disapproved of my actions more than he approved of me. A prayer ministry first introduced me to this God who is mostly glad, not mostly mad. The Song of Solomon introduced me to a God who sought after His Bride for the purpose of intimacy and enjoyment. Various Psalms showed me a God who punished His enemies but protected His kids. Finally, the Gospels revealed a God who, had a rescue plan for sinful man, and implemented this plan Himself.  Jesus Christ was a Man on a mission: to seek and save the lost from the power of sin and the consequence of eternal separation from Him. 

Is there another side of this God? To those that reject Him, yes. Chapter Fourteen in my debut novel reveals the reason and the birth of God’s justice and righteous anger. However, if you are a King’s kid, if you are redeemed, you can rest with no fear in His unearned grace. Abba wants us not to hide like Adam, but to run to Him undone like David, be restored and encouraged like the Apostle Peter, and to daily encounter Him like John, who rested his head on Jesus’ breast. Abba wants us to realize that our eternal destiny, the purpose to our existence is not a deed, but a most joyous, fulfilling, and life-giving relationship with Him.

Part 3 Knowing Him

In Part 1, I mentioned that, “an intimate relationship like a father to a son, is more powerful than the relationship between a master and a servant”. God desires more than just earthlings to work for Him. He desires intimate relationship. One of the meanings of the word “worship” is to “kiss toward”.  Worship is an affectionate response to a loving God.

Upon returning, the prodigal son told his father that he’d be content to be a servant.  He knew at least his dad’s servants ate well. This young man was probably shocked at his father’s response. “Kill the fatted calf! Celebrate! My son is back!”  The father of the prodigal son extended grace. Moreover, his father reminded him of his identity as a son and rejected his offer to be treated like a servant.  No matter what his son had done, their relationship had not changed.

Doug, who has just finished his new bible study series called Great Detective Bible Studies, commented to me:

 “I thought it was very astonishing what Jesus told Mary before he ascended into Heaven. 'I go to my Father and your Father. To My God and your God.'” Even Jesus wanted to use the title of parental relationship before using the term God. Father first! 

Before The Beginning, Chapter Three

I believe that Jesus used this parable as a picture of the heart of God, the Father towards all of us: those who have chosen to receive redemption and those who have not yet chosen. Additionally, the Father says to the not-yet-redeemed: “Satan and sin took you from Me. I sent My Son, Jesus, on a rescue mission. His mission was to pave a way for you to return to Me, your Father and your Creator.

One of my favorite quotes is from a book called, "Come To Papa" by Gary Wiens. Don't you love that title?

"I am your glory; I am the One who defines you, and the One who imparts to you all your significance.  If you will come to Me, I will lift your head again, I will raise your eyes from that bent position.  I will cause you to gaze upon Me, the One able to save you and restore you into being the person I created you to be."  p. 22  "Come to Papa" by Gary Wiens

Book Release!

http://www.amazon.com/Before-The-Beginning-ebook/dp/B00EBUKVF4/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1375723718&sr=1-1&keywords=before+the+beginning.

Here's the link to my newly released book, Before The Beginning!  Woo Hoo!  (Coming soon on BN Nook too!)