Editing Life

Multi-tasking isn’t healthy.

Not only have I read that in articles, but I’m living its ill effects. The question is, as a self-employed home educator of six children, ages 4 to 24, what do I do to edit my life?

As I have learned to do as a parent, I open the Bible. I found biblical examples of Jesus editing his life. I figure, if he did; then I must. One phrase pops out from my memory: Jesus went to the mountain.

For me, a mountain can be a place, a time of day, or a healthy outlet. A mountain can be a long awaited date night or a quick nap. The point is to take time for personal replenishment.

If we are to follow Jesus’ example, mountain visits need to happen regularly. Years ago, I learned the phrase “the gift of limits”. The gift of limits involves knowing when to say "no".

I was once a stay at home mom with four children under age seven and guardianship over my niece and nephew who were 2 1/2 and 14 months old. At the time we lived in a 3 bedroom apartment. Taking time for myself never even entered my mind. Seventeen years later, I still struggle to take time for myself without feeling guilty.

I love family time. But as an introvert in a large family, I thrive best when I’ve had my alone time. When Jesus left for the mountain he was momentarily saying no to the crowds, the needs, the pace of his ministry. Saying no during these times was always saying yes to his Father in heaven. 

Jesus’ capacity for earthly ministry as a man required him to be filled to the fullness of God. This could only happen when he went away to the mountain. Similarly, in order to be better parents, better spouses, friends and co-workers, we need to sometimes say no and get away to be filled with God’s fullness. Some of you are workaholics. Say no to your daily goal and spend time with your spouse and kids instead. Others of you are loners in employment or relationship. Say no to your comfort zone and spend time with friends. Moms need spa days or a morning to sleep in. The soul needs nurturing as much as our feet and toes need prepping for summer sandals! I recommend a variety of practical outlets for replenishment but the one we all need, no matter what our role or vocation, is to spend time with God.

Time is sometimes hard to manage.  Maintaining friendships is important, so these days, I try to schedule a coffee date with a friend at least once a month while my youngest boys are at Awana. Playdates can be good, but I wouldn’t consider them mountain times even though women are bonding through conversation. How many moms can have uninterrupted conversation with another mom on a playdate? Dads, many of you work during the week and feel the obligation to designation the entire weekend for your family. I applaud you but I also say that you need friends too. Get tickets to a sporting event or go to the monthly men’s bible study. The souls of men are often overlooked. Mountain times can involve others as long as they don’t pull on you, vie for your attention, are emotionally needy, or exhaust you mentally. That last statement is worth re-reading.

After having each baby, I often didn’t get a mountain time until I was finished nursing. By the time baby #5 was born, I’d learned to plan well months in advance so that I could store milk and teach the baby to take a bottle from someone other than me.

During the years when child rearing was most demanding my mountain times were my prayer times. I taught my 3 and 5 year old how to have quiet times for two hours without interrupting me. The baby slept. And I talked to God. I stared at the ceiling and piles of clothes and just let His presence come over me like a warm blanket. He knew I needed stillness and silence. Sometimes I would fall asleep, lulled into dream zone while my lips murmured prayers that no one else would understand.

Look ahead to the coming weeks. Try to schedule a time to go to the mountain.

“God, you are the ultimate caregiver. You are the most faithful parent of all. Guide us and lead us every day and every month to set aside time away from the busyness of life. Help us value the quiet moments when we tune our ears to your still, small voice. Our lives need balance and you are the one who can show us what that looks like individually. Thank you Lord. We pray this in Jesus’ name.”

The Shoes I Couldn't Fill

The exhilaration of home educating my kids had dissipated. My husband and I were doing full-time ministry on a part-time schedule. The bottom level of our townhouse was being renovated to add a needed bedroom and the 911 attack was fresh in my mind. My outlook on life was grey.

As far as homeschooling, my kids weren’t the problem and teaching wasn’t the issue. My mentality was my problem. The noose of perfectionism was stealing my vitality.

When had I adopted the picture of the multi-tasking, never sleeping, Betty Crocker housewife? I loved everything that I did. Music, ministry, teaching and even learning how to frame walls tapped into my childhood fantasy of being a carpenter. But doing anything is hard when you are trying to live up to a self-imposed image.

My merciless inner overlord wanted to cry out, “I am woman, hear me roar!” Instead, most days all I could muster was a feeble yelp.

Perfectionism withdrawal took a few years. Self-condemnation had to be rooted out as did pride and concern for the opinions of others. I learned that my school day could be flexible. The kids didn’t have to follow a public school schedule. I could give them a two hour break in the afternoon and finish up in the evening or on a Saturday. As far as always being available to pray with someone in need, I had to learn to say, “I can’t meet you this week” with no guilt.

Having a Mary Kay face each day became a distant memory. Good bye “quick” beauty regimen; eyeliner and mascara could suffice. I still cooked each day, but cooking fed my creative mind. As far as the post-911 soberness in the American air, my future was in God’s hands and no terrorist could steal it.

Our days became more relaxed as I resisted those deceiving perfectionist demons. So what if I sat on the floor playing blocks with my three year old while rehearsing spelling words with my first grader as my elementary school kids read or did math? So what if a cup of milk spilled on the floor in the middle of a history lesson? 

I breathed easier once the noose of perfectionism was gone. 

No matter what type of labor makes up your day, make sure that you are not trying to live up to a standard that makes you driven, harsh, worried, or stressed out. I know that there are professional environments that are "dog-eat-dog", but ask yourself, is the pressure worth your health and joy?

We all need to ask ourselves, "What are we trying to prove and to whom?"  As long as we are doing whatever the Lord had put on our agenda, then we can rest that he will help us and guide us and make up for any way that we fall short.

Lord, help us cast our cares on you. Remind us daily that your yoke is easy and your burden is light. Show us burdens that we've mistakenly picked up. Make us creative and innovative people, that can realize when we need to do something differently so that our wheels won't keep spinning. Help us remember that the only shoes we need to fill are our own. Thank you Lord for your constant care. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

When Mommy Is Sick

Community is imperative. The sista-friends and relatives who are local can rush to fill in the numerous gaps filled by an absent mommy.

My children were five, three and one at the time. The flu struck out of nowhere. Fast. My husband worked 90 hours per week at two jobs and his own carpet cleaning business. I remember lying over my bed, unable to move thinking I can’t even stand up to make dinner. I tried. We all try. I crawled to the kitchen and tried to stand but waves of nausea and an outbreak of chills defeated my inner lioness.

My friend and prayer partner had two children at the time but still, she came over, made dinner and took care of my kids for at least a couple of hours.

This was just the flu. I’ve dealt with bedrest during pregnancies, hernia repairs, and another bout of the flu about ten years later and when my husband couldn’t help, friends stepped in.

I have a friend who died from cancer last August. She was at her sickest in the hospital, but friends stepped in to hold her hand, lotion her feet and pray at bedside to relieve her husband for at least a couple of hours a day.

I have another friend who is frequently making a 3 hour drive to take care of five nieces and nephews whose father, her brother, is hospitalized.

Both the ordinary bout of flu and the extraordinary ordeal of disease reveal the importance of the scripture: Psalm 68:6a God sets the solitary in families. We are never meant to suffer alone. Whether it’s our blood family, church family or family of friendships, we need others to fill in the gaps that we leave when we are knocked off course.

“I need help” can be difficult words for anyone to say.

However, these are beautiful words to the one that hears them. The opportunity to be a gap-filler is an opportunity to show love and compassion without conditions. So fellow mommys, and to the daddys who are reading this, when your strength runs out, contact a friend and say

“I need help.”

Do Our Kids See our Past or our Present?

         An excerpt from my work in progress: Ages and Stages: The Book

I learned that we always need healing from something. Whether it’s the dog that chased me down the street when I was five or whether I perceived that I was being rejected by a loved one, I need to regularly do an inventory of my heart. If I don’t, my family is bound to be affected by my wounded soul.

All of us reflect the environments and cultures in which we grew up and the relationships that made impressions on us. As children, we are blank mounds of clay shaped by other people. Every human being is like a chisel, intentionally or unintentionally making impressions into the souls of those around us. The Bible calls God the Potter, and as a Father, His desire is for all of us to be initially shaped by parents who reflect His character. But there is no person on earth that perfectly reflects God’s character. Even adults who had great childhoods are indented with impressions left by people or situations from their past.

We inherit talents as well as predispositions to specific thought patterns and behaviors. I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely home and I always admired families that I saw that were affectionate. As a result, I made a conscious decision to be affectionate with my children as long as they would let me, which usually ended up being until the age of seven. The downside of this was that because affection wasn’t my natural inclination, except for the nightly kiss goodnight, my kids went without much human touch from age seven until eighteen or older. I found out later that as teenagers, they wondered why we weren’t an affectionate family. They missed it but were unable to ask for it!

This is where I’ve realized that as a parent I needed to learn more about how human beings are made by God to function. I needed to read books about child development as well as adolescence. I needed to remember the yearnings that I had as a teenager and realize that those yearnings were not individual to me, but normal for all people. Everybody wants a hug at some point, even the teenage male who thinks he has it all together.

One way that we can grow in our aptitude to give and receive love is by tackling the issues that put a stopper in our love wells. It takes courage, patience and trust in God to deal with the soul wounds of our past. In 1996 our marriage hit rough waters. Doug aptly described this time as "individual hurricanes colliding to form one massive storm". It wasn’t fun.

But it was a needed season of learning. Although as young Christians we read a lot of Christian books and recognized a few areas in our personal lives that needed healing, we had no idea that our souls were icebergs. All of us can be blind to the deep issues within.

In order to work on our marriage, we needed to address many of the unseen areas of our lives. This meant doing inventories of the rooms in our soul. Consider the soul the realm of the emotions, the mind: memories and thought processes, and the will. Faithful ministers in our local church and a wonderful ministry called Freedom in Christ, founded by Neil Anderson helped us through this stage of our marriage.

That same year we also had our third child. If we hadn't seized the courage to "go deep" within ourselves, be humble, receive counsel, and change by God's transforming power, we would have lived a miserable life together and our children would have suffered greatly. 

I write this twenty years later and every now and then I ask myself, "Do my kids see my past or my present?"  While too much introspection can be harmful, this question causes me to keep my ears open to the whispers of my heavenly Father who knows me unashamedly, sees me completely and loves me unconditionally.  Philippians 1:6b says: He who begun a good work in you will complete it...Yay! 

Oh, what would we do without our faithful God! He is our loving Potter! His hands are gentle and his ways are gracious. We do not have to ever fear going to him with our issues. Because of His cleansing blood, we can carry no shame, no weight, and no condemnation. What we don't see, he shows us when we ask. He'll carry us through the pain of bad memories and difficult seasons. He'll set us down at his throne of healing and restoration. He is a faithful parent who loves his kids!

A few books that were instrumental in not only helping me model our heavenly Father's parenting but also helped me overcome my own obstacles that were robbing my children of a emotionally healed mother were: Seven Longings of the Human Heart by Mike Bickle, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Victory Over the Darkness by Neil Anderson, The Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer. A wonderful book I've recently discovered about the power of memories and thoughts is Switch On Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf

Thank you for taking the time to read. 

Lord Jesus, help us to be convinced of your love for us. We love you because 
you first loved us. You extend love to us even when we sin. Your love covers our sins. Your faithful love reaches down and helps us when we don't know how to help ourselves. Give us courage to see and remove the stoppers in our love wells. Our desire as parents and caregivers is to love well. Thank you God.

The Christmas Child

Do you remember when anticipation would creep under your skin as December drew near?  The atmosphere of your home may have been full of secrets and giggles as family members wrote their gift lists and parents tried hard to find new hiding places.

Perhaps you were a child that longed for that sense of anticipation but instead wore the cloak of sadness because neatly wrapped gifts under a large Christmas tree happened in other neighborhoods but not yours.

The Christmas season highlights the contrasts that exist within the human experience.  Christ’s birth was a star-lit invasion into darkness. God’s entry was a detonation to rescue a war-torn world. It set off the most commendable and notable shift in human history.

Jesus’ entry as an infant reveals God’s goal to identify with every aspect of the human experience-the array of emotions, the highs, the lows, the suffering and the victories.

My husband lost his father the same day that our oldest daughter turned eight.  Four days before Christmas was a concurrence of fatherly smiles and a son’s broken heart.  For my husband, the Christmas season is forever bittersweet.

The Christmas Child reveals life’s incongruities. 

Every December, preachers around the world begin to sermonize about the significance of the Christ-child born from a virgin, God cloaked in the experience of humanity, becoming one of “the least of these.”

Was it bittersweet for God the Father to watch his only begotten Seed penetrate the veil that separated the Creator from the created, knowing that suffering and death would be his end, despite the victory that this death would bring? As Jesus was pushed from his mother’s loins in a smelly, dark cave, what thoughts came to the eternal mind of God the Father and God the Holy Spirit, knowing that the Son, the third Person of the trinity was no longer in total communion with them? Did they miss him?

Some may say that I’m humanizing the Creator too much, but the New Testament teaches that Jesus was a perfect reflection of the Father and if Son cried for Lazarus then wouldn’t Father grieve for Son?

Yet the birth of the Christmas Child was grand! Angels sang and the Magi wondered.

What a myriad of emotions we experience when we celebrate the birth of this Christmas Child.

Jesus Christ is the junction where the differences of human beings meet and end. We all begin life totally vulnerable, wrapped in life’s blood at the expense of another person, whose selflessness ensured our first breath. Emotion permeates our daily lives as naturally as air fills our lungs. At least until we learn the art of suppression. 

The season of the Christmas Child brings the awful occasion of two classmates, one knowing ease, the other knowing only struggle, sitting side by side on the last day before what many still call Christmas break.  Both believe in Santa Claus more than the God of the holiday, but one anticipates while the other mourns.

The gift of Jesus Christ is for both. His good news will dry the tears of the mourning and teach humble gratitude to the prosperous. His birth and life’s journey shows that strength comes from vulnerability and victory comes from death. God knew that his earthly entrance would bring both great celebration and great hostility.  His chosen people were expecting a conquering King welding a sword not a bloody baby offering life. 

This year as my family celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ, I want us to pause, reflect and thank God for his constant care. I want us to ask the Holy Spirit to release child-like wonder and anticipation for what God will do our future. I want us to pray for those who suffer and still yearn to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Will you join us?

So it was, when the angels had gone away from them into heaven, that the shepherds said to one another, “Let us now go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has come to pass, which the Lord has made known to us.” And they came with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the Babe lying in a manger. Now when they had seen Him, they made widely^[d] known the saying which was told them concerning this Child. And all those who heard it marveled at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart. Then the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told them.
Luke 2: 15-20 (NKJV)

Constructing the Teenage Mind

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. (Proverbs 18:21)

Our mind is designed to control the body, of which the brain is a part, not the other way around. Matter does not control us; we control matter through our thinking and choosing. we cannot control the events and circumstances of life but we can control our reactions....It's not easy; it is hard work, but it can be done through our thoughts and choices. (Dr. Caroline Leaf, Switch On Your Brain)

Raise your hand if you loved adolescence. I bet if I could see through my laptop, I would see no hands raised. Being a teenager is rough and the way our world is wired doesn't help. Contemporary culture for the teenager is a landfill of pop entertainment, verbal, fashion and hair trends, the latest social media interaction, entitlement and indulgence. The adolescent is caught between their childish nature and a rapidly maturing brain and body, as well as the volley between autonomy and group think. The professionals have taught us to expect teens to be mindless followers and slaves to their hormones; by and large we've lowered the bar for teen behavior because of these experts. 

Currently there is a growing mindset that not only teens, but even children need to be allowed a level of exploration that was once reserved for married couples. These new experts tell us to loosen moral boundaries, the gender assignments of biology and so much more in order for these developing humans to realize their truest selves.  

What do you think about this?
More importantly, what do teens think about this?
Most importantly, if you call the Bible, your handbook for living, what does God think about this?

There is so much negativity and relativistic mentality in the world, I've discovered that we need to train our children how to think and how to reason.

One of my sons sat at the dinner table last night to do his homework that had to do with worldviews like New Age, pluralism, nihilism and a whole bunch of other -isms. Then another son, overhearing a comment that I made about the -isms came into the room remarking that he was the king of swagism.

We all belong to some -ism. Biblically minded families need to make sure that their children and teens are taught to recognize any -ism that will undermind the foundation principles of their faith.

How do you train a teen who has spent hours playing video games how to identify nihilism or fatalism in the lyrics of his favorite songs? Patiently and graciously. It's natural that teens are sensitive and wary of critique. They are becoming and don't know who they are becoming or sometimes who they even are in that moment, but they innately need acceptance and respect no matter what hormone-induced personality is at the forefront. 

The daily educational grind inserts these fragile personalities with other like-minded personalities of the same age. The dominant personalities, usually the most insecure, become the clique leaders, gang leaders or class clowns that make every boring class a bit more fun. The voices within the daily grind are numerous and loud. How do our teens wade through this cacophony of peer and teacher voices, some good, some bad, but all impressing our teens to be shaped by their -isms, even swagism. 

Sometimes teens come home from school or coop and say, "so-and-so said the test is going to be hard," or "but mom, everybody's doin' it", BUT GOD says.....

Sometimes God's still, small voice is the last to be heard.
Biblical thinking in this day and age doesn't come automatically. It takes time and energy to know and understand the scripture. The verse "I can do all things through Christ (Jesus, the anointed one) which gives me strength." should be on the tongue of every adolescent. Sometimes "professional research" teaches us to expect teens to fail. Sure, adolescence is bumpy, but teens are not failures especially when they are in Christ. "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Let's teach our kids to think biblically about themselves and the world around them. God's perspective is the only perspective that matters. "for we walk by faith, not by sight [living our lives in a manner consistent with our confident belief in God’s promises] 2 Cor 5:7 AMP

Is your road changing direction? Go with it.

I've noticed how when summer greets autumn the winds blows like heck around here. Parts of our yard become junk piles of broken branches. I guess these branches are too old to hold on. Their time has come. They won't see the next spring.

I am reading a book called "Permission Granted: To Do Church Differently in the 21th Century" by Graham Cooke and Gary Goodell. I've spent some time stuck in the Introduction because it is that good.

"Transition is an adventure into the unknown with all the attendant risks that the uncharted can formulate around us. Change provokes our hearts because it challenges the status quo. It makes us feel uneasy and vulnerable  because it takes us into territory where we have never been before. We are happy to talk about Abraham going out without knowing where he was going, simply trusting God to get him there (see Heb. 11:8). However, when it is our turn to make the journey of faith, it is a different matter. God has His own road maps for times such as these. The old ones are useless to us, and the new ones are completed as we go!
Every change involves a letting go of one thing to reach out for what is next. It is death by installments--the slow death of our mindsets, our attitudes, perceptions, and paradigms with apparently nothing obvious to take their place. That is, we see only the replacement concept as we journey. We don't just see it, though; we experience it. Sometimes our experience is first, and we go through something that we understand only in retrospect. It is important, therefore, if we are to journey with the Lord into new lands, that we build in time to reflect and review where we are and where we have come from."

Wow! That's good, isn't it! The thought that especially strikes me is: "The old ones (road maps) are useless to us, and the new ones are completed as we go!"

Those old tree branches are too old for buds to form and leaves to grow. They are too brittle to hold the squirrels and birds that need refuge. They are useless.

I love how God teaches us through His creation. Every new season and stage requires a new road map. The problem for us is that road map is only discovered as we begin to walk. This faith walk is emotionally and mentally challenging because not only are we creatures of habit, but we are people who love to know where we are going!

When the winds of newness begin to blow, we close our windows so that we cannot feel the breeze or we shut down our spiritual intuition until the change is already upon us. In those times we scramble to readjust because we know that we can't retreat. Yes, sometimes we move to a different church or dye our hair. Often we find some way to hold onto the hope that what we've become comfortable with and accepted will return. 

Some things are never returning.

As Christians we have but one promise to hold on to in Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. No matter what is before us, it is part of God's plan and we must hold steadfast to the truth that our good God makes good plans. It doesn't matter that the last child moves out next week or that today the moving truck comes to load up all of your memories. It also doesn't matter what topic our media is sensationalizing when it comes to the plight of a sin-stained world. God gives us a future and a hope.

Truly it must be His presence and His faithful words that set our feet to walking and keep us steady as we go. One day, the trees around our house will die and fall unless we take the initiative to cut them down before they fall on something we value.

What wind is blowing around you, breaking off withered branches? Is it time to cut a tree down?

"Lord, take my hand. I am reaching to hold onto what I know is the surest and truest reality of my life and that is you. I don't know what is ahead. But I know that because you exist outside of time, you are already in my future, waiting. Thank you Jesus for your faithful hand to guide."