Life's a Breeze...or Is It A Gust of Wind?

My last post was June of last year. Seven months ago. I feel like I've been to the moon and back.

You ever felt like you were caught up in a Kitchen Aid mixer set to medium high? Once turned off, life is a new mix. Am I truly back to blogging? I'm not sure, honestly. Blogging, editing, marketing take up a lot of time and head space that I find that I need to devote to my six children, ages 25, 22, 20, 17, 7 and 5. 

What will 2017 be like for you? I don't think you have any idea.

Thanksgiving 2016

Can you guess how long it took all of us to get outside and how many shots my best friend had to take to get this one? My daughter Maria (fourth from left) announced after an Thanksgiving early dinner that we had a 20 minute window before the sun was in the wrong place. "Be outside in 15 minutes and look nice!" was her commandment. For outdoor photographers, it's all about the lighting, I suppose.  

You see that tall guy on the end? He's our basketball player. Douglas is 6'6". In fact, that's one exciting reason why I haven't blogged in over six months. He has an opportunity to be recruited to play in college. Basketball season is now year round for me and involves a lot of driving. We enrolled him in The Regents School of Charlottesville, where he had played basketball the previous season as a home schooled student. I began driving him down to "The Dell" at the University of Virginia to work out with Coach Geoff Reed, a former private school coach and other potential high school recruits. I packed up the two youngest boys and drove Douglas up to Pennsylvania to attend a HoopGroup Academic Elite Camp. It was an introduction to the new world of elite basketball.

Not only am I a chauffeur, but I'm now a videographer and video editor for basketball games! Check out this highlight film that I made of his December 2016 games. 😊

I never wonder if the time, money and sacrifice is worth helping someone pursue their dreams. As African-American poet Langston Hughes said, dreams are a "blue cloud cloth" that one must keep from the "too rough fingers of the world". Do you have a kid with talent and the drive and desire to develop it? Help them. Do you have your own dreams on the shelf. Take them down. Sure, like me, you may have to put them back on the shelf sometimes, but if you live your life in the wind and trust that God has your best interests in his mind, then He'll blow them off that shelf when it's time.

I still home school my youngest boys and wow, do they have energy! For those of you raising kids under ten. Yeah, I know. It's real. It's realllllly tiring. It's mental. It's emotional. Some nights you sleep well; some you don't. I'm feelin' you.

But I'm not trading my days with those boys for anything else right now. 

By the way, here's a shout out to all of you young people learning about "adulting", which is the choice phrase of my young millennials. I have a draft of a post called "What Is Adulthood?" Maybe I'll get around to editing it, but I will say that watching the adult lives of my oldest three children is an education for me. When am I needed? When am I crowding their space? (#2 and #3 live with us right now) Should I share with them some suggestions without being asked? As a parent, am I still meeting their love language?

I'm grateful that my three oldest are still around so much. My oldest daughter, Christina, lives thirty minutes  away but spends many weekends here at home. God has given me spontaneous conversations with them that have shown me the the treasure-laden depths of their souls and the amazing dreams they dream. What can I do? Be their #1 cheerleader...well my husband and I share the #1 spot, Lol.

One last word before I begin my day as a home educator. Doug and I have been married for twenty-six years. We've had our highs and lows. My advice for all of you who are married and raising kids is: Be transparent. Be emotionally honest about your triumphs and your failures. Extend mercy and grace to your spouse, because one day you may need it yourself. Be an active listener. Take time to hang out and DON'T talk about the kids! Demand nothing and pray about everything. 

Try to hold your future plans or agenda loosely. Life has so many shifts. If you grip too hard, you may fall when they fall through. That's how I live my life these days cause' I really don't know where life's wind is blowing me. It's certainly not a breeze. But it's a blessing.

Matthew 7:24-26  “Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock:and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. “But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand:

John 3:8 The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.”

Visit our other blog: My Father's Crown
New Post: Value of Believing Pt. 3 by Doug Webb

The Push and The Pull of Raising Kids

One Saturday morning instead of running into your arms, your young daughter runs onto the couch to watch her morning cartoon. You shrug your shoulders and get her breakfast. The next week the same thing happens. You begin to notice a decrease in the amount of times that she crawls onto your lap, or nestles her head in your neck or turns to wave before heading into the school building.

At first you are caught off guard. Then you wonder and slowly begin to mourn the inevitable ending of a stage. Finally you get used to the new norm and hope that the security you instilled in your young daughter through physical affection and verbal affirmation was consistent enough to stay in her memory banks as she journeys on the road into adolescence.

As parents, it’s instinctual to begin to push our young ones away incrementally. At first it may be mom weaning baby from the breast. Next it may teaching kids how to put on their clothes by themselves. For some dads it may be when your kids want to hang out with friends instead of go fishing or watch sports with you. Their total dependence on us must end at some point. At the same time, we don’t want to short circuit their natural need for parental covering. Sense of identity and security begins at home in the formative years. Some people believe that quality time is more sufficient than quantity time for young children. I don’t believe this. I’ve surprisingly found that even my teens actual enjoyed quantity time at least as much as quality time. The push into autonomy must occur at various points based on an individual child’s God-given developmental timetable. The push is necessary.

But then we see them adapting. And we realize that we miss the morning snuggle. Our maternal bosom or our paternal arms looked forward to “the embrace” before heading out the door to work. And we are tempted to pull these precious God-breathed souls back into us…to smell their hair, to be comforted that they are also comforted by our presence. The pull is normal.

Isn’t this similar to our Heavenly Father? He keeps his arms wide open and draws us into his sheltering presence. (Psalm 91) He delights when we come to him. He delights when we want to know more about him. (James 2:23) Relationship is powerfully precious. At the same time, our Heavenly Father tells us to go—go out and represent him in all that we do and say, especially to those people that have not yet recognized His reality. (Mark 16:15) At some point He wants us to let go of the childish stage of our faith journey and step into mature partnership with him. (1 Cor. 13:11)

A godly parent will reflect our Heavenly Father. We’ll push when it’s time for them to grow into another stage, yet desire to constantly remind our children that we adore them, that we will be safe for them, that we will always have open arms for them. The push is not to their detriment. It’s not based on our convenience. The pull should neither serve our own needs nor stifle their individuality. Rather both the push and the pull maintain the security of relationship and the value of growing up. 

Editing Life

Multi-tasking isn’t healthy.

Not only have I read that in articles, but I’m living its ill effects. The question is, as a self-employed home educator of six children, ages 4 to 24, what do I do to edit my life?

As I have learned to do as a parent, I open the Bible. I found biblical examples of Jesus editing his life. I figure, if he did; then I must. One phrase pops out from my memory: Jesus went to the mountain.

For me, a mountain can be a place, a time of day, or a healthy outlet. A mountain can be a long awaited date night or a quick nap. The point is to take time for personal replenishment.

If we are to follow Jesus’ example, mountain visits need to happen regularly. Years ago, I learned the phrase “the gift of limits”. The gift of limits involves knowing when to say "no".

I was once a stay at home mom with four children under age seven and guardianship over my niece and nephew who were 2 1/2 and 14 months old. At the time we lived in a 3 bedroom apartment. Taking time for myself never even entered my mind. Seventeen years later, I still struggle to take time for myself without feeling guilty.

I love family time. But as an introvert in a large family, I thrive best when I’ve had my alone time. When Jesus left for the mountain he was momentarily saying no to the crowds, the needs, the pace of his ministry. Saying no during these times was always saying yes to his Father in heaven. 

Jesus’ capacity for earthly ministry as a man required him to be filled to the fullness of God. This could only happen when he went away to the mountain. Similarly, in order to be better parents, better spouses, friends and co-workers, we need to sometimes say no and get away to be filled with God’s fullness. Some of you are workaholics. Say no to your daily goal and spend time with your spouse and kids instead. Others of you are loners in employment or relationship. Say no to your comfort zone and spend time with friends. Moms need spa days or a morning to sleep in. The soul needs nurturing as much as our feet and toes need prepping for summer sandals! I recommend a variety of practical outlets for replenishment but the one we all need, no matter what our role or vocation, is to spend time with God.

Time is sometimes hard to manage.  Maintaining friendships is important, so these days, I try to schedule a coffee date with a friend at least once a month while my youngest boys are at Awana. Playdates can be good, but I wouldn’t consider them mountain times even though women are bonding through conversation. How many moms can have uninterrupted conversation with another mom on a playdate? Dads, many of you work during the week and feel the obligation to designation the entire weekend for your family. I applaud you but I also say that you need friends too. Get tickets to a sporting event or go to the monthly men’s bible study. The souls of men are often overlooked. Mountain times can involve others as long as they don’t pull on you, vie for your attention, are emotionally needy, or exhaust you mentally. That last statement is worth re-reading.

After having each baby, I often didn’t get a mountain time until I was finished nursing. By the time baby #5 was born, I’d learned to plan well months in advance so that I could store milk and teach the baby to take a bottle from someone other than me.

During the years when child rearing was most demanding my mountain times were my prayer times. I taught my 3 and 5 year old how to have quiet times for two hours without interrupting me. The baby slept. And I talked to God. I stared at the ceiling and piles of clothes and just let His presence come over me like a warm blanket. He knew I needed stillness and silence. Sometimes I would fall asleep, lulled into dream zone while my lips murmured prayers that no one else would understand.

Look ahead to the coming weeks. Try to schedule a time to go to the mountain.

“God, you are the ultimate caregiver. You are the most faithful parent of all. Guide us and lead us every day and every month to set aside time away from the busyness of life. Help us value the quiet moments when we tune our ears to your still, small voice. Our lives need balance and you are the one who can show us what that looks like individually. Thank you Lord. We pray this in Jesus’ name.”

The Shoes I Couldn't Fill

The exhilaration of home educating my kids had dissipated. My husband and I were doing full-time ministry on a part-time schedule. The bottom level of our townhouse was being renovated to add a needed bedroom and the 911 attack was fresh in my mind. My outlook on life was grey.

As far as homeschooling, my kids weren’t the problem and teaching wasn’t the issue. My mentality was my problem. The noose of perfectionism was stealing my vitality.

When had I adopted the picture of the multi-tasking, never sleeping, Betty Crocker housewife? I loved everything that I did. Music, ministry, teaching and even learning how to frame walls tapped into my childhood fantasy of being a carpenter. But doing anything is hard when you are trying to live up to a self-imposed image.

My merciless inner overlord wanted to cry out, “I am woman, hear me roar!” Instead, most days all I could muster was a feeble yelp.

Perfectionism withdrawal took a few years. Self-condemnation had to be rooted out as did pride and concern for the opinions of others. I learned that my school day could be flexible. The kids didn’t have to follow a public school schedule. I could give them a two hour break in the afternoon and finish up in the evening or on a Saturday. As far as always being available to pray with someone in need, I had to learn to say, “I can’t meet you this week” with no guilt.

Having a Mary Kay face each day became a distant memory. Good bye “quick” beauty regimen; eyeliner and mascara could suffice. I still cooked each day, but cooking fed my creative mind. As far as the post-911 soberness in the American air, my future was in God’s hands and no terrorist could steal it.

Our days became more relaxed as I resisted those deceiving perfectionist demons. So what if I sat on the floor playing blocks with my three year old while rehearsing spelling words with my first grader as my elementary school kids read or did math? So what if a cup of milk spilled on the floor in the middle of a history lesson? 

I breathed easier once the noose of perfectionism was gone. 

No matter what type of labor makes up your day, make sure that you are not trying to live up to a standard that makes you driven, harsh, worried, or stressed out. I know that there are professional environments that are "dog-eat-dog", but ask yourself, is the pressure worth your health and joy?

We all need to ask ourselves, "What are we trying to prove and to whom?"  As long as we are doing whatever the Lord had put on our agenda, then we can rest that he will help us and guide us and make up for any way that we fall short.

Lord, help us cast our cares on you. Remind us daily that your yoke is easy and your burden is light. Show us burdens that we've mistakenly picked up. Make us creative and innovative people, that can realize when we need to do something differently so that our wheels won't keep spinning. Help us remember that the only shoes we need to fill are our own. Thank you Lord for your constant care. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Do Our Kids See our Past or our Present?

         An excerpt from my work in progress: Ages and Stages: The Book

I learned that we always need healing from something. Whether it’s the dog that chased me down the street when I was five or whether I perceived that I was being rejected by a loved one, I need to regularly do an inventory of my heart. If I don’t, my family is bound to be affected by my wounded soul.

All of us reflect the environments and cultures in which we grew up and the relationships that made impressions on us. As children, we are blank mounds of clay shaped by other people. Every human being is like a chisel, intentionally or unintentionally making impressions into the souls of those around us. The Bible calls God the Potter, and as a Father, His desire is for all of us to be initially shaped by parents who reflect His character. But there is no person on earth that perfectly reflects God’s character. Even adults who had great childhoods are indented with impressions left by people or situations from their past.

We inherit talents as well as predispositions to specific thought patterns and behaviors. I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely home and I always admired families that I saw that were affectionate. As a result, I made a conscious decision to be affectionate with my children as long as they would let me, which usually ended up being until the age of seven. The downside of this was that because affection wasn’t my natural inclination, except for the nightly kiss goodnight, my kids went without much human touch from age seven until eighteen or older. I found out later that as teenagers, they wondered why we weren’t an affectionate family. They missed it but were unable to ask for it!

This is where I’ve realized that as a parent I needed to learn more about how human beings are made by God to function. I needed to read books about child development as well as adolescence. I needed to remember the yearnings that I had as a teenager and realize that those yearnings were not individual to me, but normal for all people. Everybody wants a hug at some point, even the teenage male who thinks he has it all together.

One way that we can grow in our aptitude to give and receive love is by tackling the issues that put a stopper in our love wells. It takes courage, patience and trust in God to deal with the soul wounds of our past. In 1996 our marriage hit rough waters. Doug aptly described this time as "individual hurricanes colliding to form one massive storm". It wasn’t fun.

But it was a needed season of learning. Although as young Christians we read a lot of Christian books and recognized a few areas in our personal lives that needed healing, we had no idea that our souls were icebergs. All of us can be blind to the deep issues within.

In order to work on our marriage, we needed to address many of the unseen areas of our lives. This meant doing inventories of the rooms in our soul. Consider the soul the realm of the emotions, the mind: memories and thought processes, and the will. Faithful ministers in our local church and a wonderful ministry called Freedom in Christ, founded by Neil Anderson helped us through this stage of our marriage.

That same year we also had our third child. If we hadn't seized the courage to "go deep" within ourselves, be humble, receive counsel, and change by God's transforming power, we would have lived a miserable life together and our children would have suffered greatly. 

I write this twenty years later and every now and then I ask myself, "Do my kids see my past or my present?"  While too much introspection can be harmful, this question causes me to keep my ears open to the whispers of my heavenly Father who knows me unashamedly, sees me completely and loves me unconditionally.  Philippians 1:6b says: He who begun a good work in you will complete it...Yay! 

Oh, what would we do without our faithful God! He is our loving Potter! His hands are gentle and his ways are gracious. We do not have to ever fear going to him with our issues. Because of His cleansing blood, we can carry no shame, no weight, and no condemnation. What we don't see, he shows us when we ask. He'll carry us through the pain of bad memories and difficult seasons. He'll set us down at his throne of healing and restoration. He is a faithful parent who loves his kids!

A few books that were instrumental in not only helping me model our heavenly Father's parenting but also helped me overcome my own obstacles that were robbing my children of a emotionally healed mother were: Seven Longings of the Human Heart by Mike Bickle, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Victory Over the Darkness by Neil Anderson, The Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer. A wonderful book I've recently discovered about the power of memories and thoughts is Switch On Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf

Thank you for taking the time to read. 

Lord Jesus, help us to be convinced of your love for us. We love you because 
you first loved us. You extend love to us even when we sin. Your love covers our sins. Your faithful love reaches down and helps us when we don't know how to help ourselves. Give us courage to see and remove the stoppers in our love wells. Our desire as parents and caregivers is to love well. Thank you God.

Ages and Stages Part 5 Perfect Parent? Not!

Perfect Parent? Not!

It’s great to see the reception that this blog series, “Ages and Stages” has received.  The 4000+ views tell me that we, as parents, desire a sense of camaraderie and affirmation. We will never be perfect parents, but we can always be perfecting our parenting.

I wasn’t sure what to write for this last post, but sure enough a few conversations with my adult children brought to light a subject that all parents need to face at some time: wounds of the past.

Once my children became young adults I hoped that opportunities would become available for them to reconcile anything in their past that caused them struggle. I didn’t want them to carry baggage of childhood rejection or adolescent confusion into their adulthood. While we don’t have to do anything to guarantee our children’s physical maturity--nature does that—we do need to do a few things to guarantee our children’s emotional maturity.

Conversations this past week with my adult children were hard. To hear the stories of fear and loneliness; rejection and unclear teaching about relating to the opposite sex; and self-imposed isolation and emotional suppression shocked and saddened me. I never knew. This may seem hard to believe since I am a home educator who is pretty much around her kids all of the time.  How can a child be lonely in a house full of people?

Physical proximity does not mean emotional intimacy. In our culture we bond via internet and texting. Those on the other side cannot look into our eyes and see the reality of our souls. Another cultural challenge is our frenetic lifestyles. We can be so busy! I’ve learned that more often than not, we must take the time to knock on our child's or teen’s door, and enter their world.  We need to talk - no, listen to them, expecting at first to be met with the phrase, ‘I’m fine’. But we must keep knocking and making ourselves available; not just to be cheerleaders at sporting events or ballet recitals, but to be shoulders to cry on and hands to pray with.

Unfortunately, most of us did not get this as children and teens. We entered parenthood with handicaps and didn’t even realize it.

Long ago, I heard someone say that we can only do the best we can and we must trust God to fill in the rest. This is the truth. We are not perfect. Hopefully we will tell our kids that when they are young! Aging as a parent has to do less with our numerical ages and more with our emotional health. Do we react or do we respond? Do we admit when we are wrong or do we play the blame game? Do we suppress our own emotions and deny our own weaknesses, or do we present ourselves as clueless and thankful grace-recipients on a journey to learn how to love well.

Blessings to you and your family! Thanks for reading some snapshots of my life as a parent who is learning as she goes.

Psalm 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Malachi 4:2 But to you who fear My name the Sun of Righteousness shall arise with healing in His wings; and you shall go out and grow fat like stall-fed calves.

Lord, You are Jehovah-Rapha, God our Healer. Heal the minds and emotions of our children so that they can move forward into the next stages of their lives without hindrance. Comfort our aching hearts as we acknowledge our failures and mistakes over the years. Remind us of Your promise that healing, restoration and satisfying life come to those who humble themselves before You. We love You God and we are thankful for Your tender mercies.